


[MST] Yes, I'm Asian. No, I'm Not Amused

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Essays, Gen, MST3k-Style Riffing, Misogyny, Orientalism, Racism, Rants, Sexism, Stereotypes, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-01 04:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Sporking this stupid Orientalist pile of shit is the only way I can keep from smashing the table in disgust.





	[MST] Yes, I'm Asian. No, I'm Not Amused

**Author's Note:**

> Original article on mail-order-bride.com

### Asian brides – who are they and where they can be found

**We're human beings, not Pokemons.**

Nothing is eternal in our lives and love – especially. People, who once have failed in love, are looking for a new one more cautiously.  
**Because God forbid you be single and _enjoy_ it. Nope, you have to immediately find someone new to boo up with after you break up or you'll die on the spot!**

They want to see nearby a beautiful, young, kind but calm and easy-going girls. There is an opinion that Asian brides are the best variant for such kind of men because they combine beauty, complaisance and singular fidelity.  
**The way too familiar "china doll" bullshit. Why am I not surprised?**

According to the results of sociological research in Facebook and on dating sites,  
**Read: wild claims with no scientific back-up.**

in recent years in the whole civilized world, men prefer to get acquainted with Asians more often than with representatives of other nationalities.  
**Because all men are racist, male chauvinist assholes.**

Psychologists and ethnographers  
**Who?**

explain such a phenomenon of popularity of Asian women by the fact that  
**Toxic masculinity is alive and well.**

those in the majority maintained their adherence to patriarchal relations.

Asian wife will never allow herself to humiliate her husband. She will never discuss some facts from your family life with her friends. Asian lady is hardworking and persistent – she works and studies obstinately  
**Because outgoing Asian women who like to party don't exist! We're all workaholics who work our ass off or bookish nerds who bury our heads in our studies all day! Look, there's nothing wrong with working and studying hard, but to assume that's how we all are, especially when death by overwork and heavy school schedules are huge problems, is deeply offensive.**

and doesn’t forget about her home and family. She tries not to interfere in her husbands’ relationships with his ex-girlfriends, relatives and friends. If you liked this features in Asian girl,  
**Then you are a racist Orientalist.**

it is right time for you to learn more about Asian nationality  
**Asia is not a nation.**

and be ready to find your beloved!  
**And have reality slapped into your face that we're not your stupid Orientalist fantasy!**

### Asian bride with her traditions and outlook

It is very difficult to talk about the specifics of the mentality, especially in such categories as attitude to life and the creation of a family,  
**How is one's attitude towards life and creating a family difficult to talk about?**

but there are some facts that allocate Asian woman from European.  
**Ah, the good ol' "us vs them" mentality.**

Here are some of them.

Attitude to life: Even the most uneducated Asian brides seem to be wiser than many girls with high-education and years of life experience backwards.  
**Because all Asian women are born sages and anyone who is not Asian has stupidity woven into their genes. Not only is this stereotyping racist against Asian, it's also deeply offensive to white people and people of other races.**

Their intuitive connection with nature and belief in God make Asian women calm, smiling, accepting first of all themselves and the type of person they came to this world.  
**Dude. Asian women are not elves. We're not some sort of fair folk whose unshakable serenity and sophisticated wisdom is far too esoteric for the "lowly humenz" to comprehend. We can be just as short-tempered, selfish, obnoxious, irresponsible and _human_ as the next white person.**

They understand that there is something else apart from the physical world  
**Neither are we all Buddhist. We're also Taoist, Hinduist, Christian, Muslim, Shintoist, Brahmanist, and yes, agnostic and atheist.**

and they do not need proofs and logical justifications for this fact.  
**Logic? It's sooooo not for girls, especially Asian girls!**

They take everything easy that is why Asian wife is a good choice for a man who loves calm and mild life.  
**Again, Asian women are not elves.**

Family values: There are no age limits for Asian ladies in a question – when it is a right time for them to find a beloved, to become a wife and to give birth.  
**EWWW. This one is just plain creepy! Borderline pedophilia I'm telling you! Speaking of which, where the hell did many people on the internet get the idea that the age of consent in Japan is 13? Each prefecture has its own age limit, but getting it on with anyone below 16 _anywhere_ in the country will get you a felony charge!**

Asian women love being with somebody strong nearby  
**Because we're all weak willow trees who can't stand on our own two feet! Even disabled folks who actually can't stand on their own two feet don't constantly need "somebody strong" nearby.**

and hate loneliness. That is why they are much compromised and try to keep her family in love and tenderness during the whole life.  
**There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a family and wanting to make them happy, but most Asian women are not love martyrs and they want _themselves_ to be happy too.**

Divorce in Asia is a very rare phenomenon.  
**No, it's not.**

Here, it is commonly believed that marriage is one for life.  
**Actually, remarriage happens a lot.**

Also, Asian bride will be very happy to bestow you a lot of kids,  
**Creepy! This is creepy I say!**

because a very big family is one of the main tradition in Asian countries.  
**Used to be. I can't speak for all Asians, but in my country, most people don't live in huge families anymore because of financial, regional and social reasons.**

Place in the society: Asian women are not individualists; they are afraid of being alone,  
**Nobody likes being alone, dude. There's a difference between being _independent_ and being _alone_ , and if by "afraid of being alone" you mean the former, then fuck you.**

that is why family and the collective - friends, relatives, neighbors etc. are very important for them. They will not risk these people and this communication, so before making a decision Asian girls will think twice and realize how their actions will influence everything and everyone who makes sense for them.  
**Rather than how our actions influence our _own_ lives?**

### What is a secret of Asian beauty?

A special beauty of Asian girls makes crazy a lot of men all over the world. One thing that is noticed at first is a hair of Asian lady. Long, brilliant, healthy women hair is very attractive for men from different countries. Not sophisticated hairdos, but just straight native hair.  
**I can literally walk into a barber shop and have my hair permed and dyed right now and refute your claim.**

You will hardly find an Asian girl with a short haircut.  
**Oh really?**

**Pictured: Saiga Mitsuki, Japanese voice actress.**

Long hair was and is still being fashionable to this day.  
**Seriously though, long-haired men are awesome.**

Also, girls experiment with the color of their hair, but prefer natural shades.

Eastern beauties are strikingly different from Europeans. Their appearance is characterized by some features. Narrowly planted eyes - this is one of the main plus of the girls of Asian appearance.  
**I thought humanity should have grown out of eye-squinting and ching-chong-ing a long while ago.**

Seductive and mysterious, they fascinate, captivate the men's hearts and, of course, never leave their owner  
**Because we're apparently exotic objects to be collected now! AHAHAHAHA!**

without envious sights of the other girls.

Light, impeccable porcelain skin from the Ancient times was a sign that its owner belongs to the higher estates.  
**… This part is actually true. Light skin is favored all over the world, but for us, the reason is not racism, but classism. White supremacy indeed made this problem worse, but the real reason was light skin's association with wealth.**

There was an explanation: only poor Asian girl spent a lot of time in the dirty air and conditions, so exactly they were considered to have a darker skin. This traditional opinion works till nowadays and Asian girls even take umbrellas wherever they go to get hide from the sun and to save their «porcelain» skin.  
**Please. Colorism in Asia is bad enough as it is. Don't make it worse!**

Thin and beautiful figure is also important for any man,  
**Ah, good ol' fatphobia.**

and exactly Asian ladies can be proud of their gift from nature: fragile, shy, soft-gaited.  
**So much so that we shatter if we so much as trip on a pebble. Where the hell did people get the idea that there are no fat Asians? There are _loads_ of fat Asians who are not sumo wrestlers!**

No one can come across without looking at such a special girl. Asian brides pay attention to what they eat and drink.  
**So that we don't get stomachaches.**

For example, they don’t drink cold water, because it makes them fat,  
**WATER MAKES YOU FAT? AHAHAHA ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Seriously though, did whoever wrote this think it not offensive enough so they had to throw in fatphobia for good measure?**

that is why they prefer hot drinks and herbal tea.  
**I don't think boba tea is hot. That shit is insanely popular in my country right now.**

**To wrap up this stupid section, folks of all ages, (a)genders and sexual orientations, I present to you this pure-blood Asian woman:**

**And yes, that is _me_. The sporker of this pile of bullshit, the one and only Ki_no_Shirayuki. Her eyes are not narrow (and look, she's wearing glasses. This also raises the question why this article doesn't bother to mention bespectacled Asian women. I thought we're supposed to all be bookworms?). She's not posing seductively. She doesn't have "porcelain" skin and is actually a pretty sheltered city girl. And of course she's nowhere near as thin as the article claims all Asian women are!**

**_(sighs)_ Moving on.**

### Asian brides – different and unpredictable

**Because everybody else are the same, a bunch of clones inhabiting the rest of the world.**

Let’s see the difference among beautiful Asian women.

Japanese: the face of the Japanese girl has the shape of an elongated oval, a big nose and large eyes with a wide incision.  
**But I thought we all have narrow eyes?**

The modern Japanese has a larger head than the Korean and Chinese. Japanese women always try to whiten their skin, so there is always a special cure in their cosmetic bag for this.  
**Why am I starting to get "geisha" vibes?**

But even without this, their skin is the whitest among all Asians.  
**Oh really? Just walk up to any Okinawan.**

Chinese: the Chinese have a round face and broad cheekbones. Chinese girls have the darkest skin among these three nationalities.  
**Because the 1.379 billion of Chinese people spanned across 9.597 square kilometers all look the same, ethnicities be damned! Also, Taiwanese, Hongkongers, Macanese, Tibetans and Inner Mongolians don't exist.**

For this reason, they try not to sunbathe not to allow their skin become darker.  
**I said, no more colorism!**

Koreans: their face is flat, with high cheekbones of square form. Typical Koreans have thinner noses than their Chinese and Japanese neighbors.  
**You know that plastic surgery is very popular in (South) Korea right?**

**Aaand that's it? Yo, what about me? I'm Vietnamese! And what about Thais, Cambodians, Indians, Pakistanis, Mongolians, Israelis, Russians, etc?**

_«Asian woman is a perfect wife» - psychologists_  
**Note how the author didn't bother to _name_ which psychologists.**

The image of faithful domestic Asian wife is popularized worldwide more and more each year.  
**And that's a shame.**

Asian mail order brides sites become more popular and Asian singles – more desirable. But what is a secret of Asian lady? Psychologists explain the phenomenon of so popular Asian women by the fact that  
**Orientalism is still alive and well. 'Sides, am I seeing a pattern here?**

they are a perfect demonstration of weaker sex. Any man wants to be the head of the family and Asian bride will give him all chances to be it. It’s a traditional belief and each Asian girl is taught this from her childhood: leading role in the family is given to husband.  
**Now this is just straight-up misogyny.**

Men in Europe are tired of feminism and the imposition of "gender equality".  
**Because all European men are misogynistic.**

One of the ways to restore the "normal state of affairs"  
**Read: "harmful status quo".**

for them is a wife from third world countries, where the man continues to dominate both at home and in society.  
**What the fuck is wrong with this author? Isn't being discriminatory against women enough? Why did they have to write offensive shit about men too?**

That is why Asian brides are so desirable and consider being the perfect wife of any man.

But, perhaps, the simplest explanation of the phenomenon of Asian wives is more primitive  
**Yo, did you just assume we're cavemen?**

\- material well-being. Usual domestic things for European girl can be luxurious conditions for the Asian and her kids. Even not rich man can get a status of the best one in the eyes of his beloved woman for a little money.  
**What does this even mean?**

Your Asian wife will appreciate your personality more than stuff around,  
**Because all white women are gold diggers.**

and it makes sense in a family life.

But even cookbooks make Asian women so popular!  
**But after all, it gotta boil down to the kitchen.**

When you buy it, in addition to the dishes of your national cuisine, and Italian and Spanish, which are also traditional, you will find… guess, whose cuisine? Dishes of what country occupy a solid place in the content? Asian, of course! Dishes with rice, vegetables and seafood not only look attractive in pictures, but also are promoted as a source of healthy, full-fledged life, male power and feminine beauty.  
**Because Asian food is automatically healthier and better than all that fatty, unhealthy, greasy shit Westerners wolf down all the time. Seriously, treating another culture's cuisine like a diet is just fucking offensive to both cultures in question.**

The ability of Asian wife to cook all these dishes (plus legendary sushi or the soy sauce)  
**Dude, WTF. Only qualified chefs (the majority of whom are still men) can make sushi and nobody makes soy sauce manually anymore!**

is an extraordinary proud for a husband. But the most enjoyable thing in his story is very simple – each men comes back home from a hard work day with a bigger pleasure if he knows that worldwide-known homemade tasty dinner is waiting for him on a kitchen table.  
**Because we belong in the kitchen, amirite ladies?**

### Famous couples with an Asian wives

Statistic  
**Which statistic?**

says that the most common marriage among interracial couples is marriage between a European or West man and an Asian woman. Here is a list of famous people (including billionaires, actors, politicians) married to Asian women.  
**How is this relevant?**

Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg. The bride of the youngest billionaire of the planet (Mark's current status stands at $ 13.5 billion) is his longtime friend Priscilla Chan. They still being together since 2004. According to Mark, simplicity is the quality that he appreciates in Priscilla the most.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono. The legendary story about legendary people is one of the most mysterious even nowadays. Yoko appeared when Lennon's life was empty. He could have made a lot of things, but he met her. "Fate is what happens to you, while you have absolutely another plans," John Lennon wrote at his forty.

Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim. In August 2004, Nicolas Cage married for the third time. His chosen one was far from the world of cinema - Cage married Alice, a 20-year-old waitress from a sushi restaurant. Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim met in February the same year in a restaurant where Alice worked when she served Nicholas. About two months after they met, they announced their engagement. And in the middle of August there was a wedding.  
**All this is just offensive to the real people in question. I sincerely apologize to them.**

Be ready with a … language!  
**Huh?**

It is not a secret that the biggest part of Asian people is not good in English,  
**Good AT. How's that, having an Asian correcting your English? Hahah.**

but is provoked by their priorities. Asian countries are well-known by their industry. Thanks to the successful modernization of their economies they give the world market modern cars, consumer electronics, clothing and other high-quality products. As a rule, women work hard at home.  
**Notice how this sentence doesn't tie to the one before it. Also, because Asian women don't have jobs ever.**

They have a lot of things to do but no time for learning new languages.  
**What if learning a new language _is_ on their list of things to do? How will you explain that?**

That is why don’t suspect your potential Asian bride to be a professional in English.  
**I beg your fucking pardon? Walk up to any Indian or Singaporean; English is their _national language_!**

On the contrary, try to help her and she will succeed, be sure!  
**Yeah, if any white dude walks up to me and try to teach me English, I'm gonna slap my 7.5 IELTS qualification at their face and give them the _British_ fuck-you.**

On the other hand, you will get some things that are more important than language: easy character, tenderness, love and care.  
**We can still kick your ass if you piss us off.**

Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?

### Best partner for an Asian bride

But don’t relax! Asian girls make choice ones in their lives, that is why the process of choosing an only one man – their husband  
**Again, we do break-up and divorces. Sure, it's important to be careful when making such a decision, but that doesn't mean you must only choose one man and stick with him.**

\- is very important and scrupulous. In some Asian countries there still be violence in a family. Man can allow beating his wife, prohibiting her doing something she likes or making her doing something she doesn’t want.  
**Abuse exists everywhere in the world. Don't pretend the West doesn't have abuse.**

Sadly, but true. That’s why Asian singles are looking for a foreigner hoping to get an elementary respect in a family life.  
**Mighty Whitey alert.**

When they make their choice, they look at your character at firs.  
**Huh?**

If you want to make an Asian woman your wife, try to follow some things they like.

At first – show them that you are an easy-going type of person. That you like to joke and it is not a problem for you to cheer her up. Even when you chat online, try to make her online Asian bride laugh.  
**Because jokes are an all-access pass into our pants.**

Be active – don’t stand aside and ask your Asian bride about her work, hobbies, her friends and interests in life.  
**As long as you ditch the Orientalism bullshit and don't start getting intrusive, we'll gladly hang out with you.**

You will show that she is an interesting person for you. And don’t forget to tell her about yourself. Be opened and see the results!  
**But that doesn't mean we have to date you.**

Make surprises – buy flowers, some presents, write or tell her compliments. All these romantic things will conquer any heart of any girl.  
**Because we're all materialistic.**

Learn – before a date with an Asian woman read some facts about her country, culture, general national outlook and tradition. Show that you were waiting for this date and it was important for you.  
**Dude, this is common courtesy.**

It is not an easy choice for an Asian lady to find the only one for the whole life, and it is not impossible in their native countries.  
**Then doesn't that mean we _don't_ have to find a partner abroad? Are you contradicting yourself?**

That is why they decide to seek for a partner through the Internet. Online dating – sounds weird, but it really works! How? We are ready to tell you!

### Where it is better to find an Asian wife

In this busy world each day is important and every minute makes sense. One of the best inventions for people is the Internet and the best invention for people that are looking for a foreign wife is an Asian mail order bride sites.  
**Again, we're people, not exotic samurai swords to be collected!**

It is a massive Internet platform that connects people from different countries in one click. Here are some advantages of this phenomenon.

Unpredictable acquaintanceships: sometimes it’s very difficult to find a wife in a city you live, moreover, it seems impossible to walk down the streets and meet a woman of your dream from another continent.  
**Unless you're in America. Anyone who's not a Native American is from another continent.**

But it is not a problem when you log in the sites of Asian brides. There you can find any girl from any part of Asia, say her virtual «hello» and make, at least, your friend.

Sites help you to save your time. You need to do only one click – and see a lot of Asian brides that are looking for a Western man. See their profiles and understand weather you want to ask some of them for a date or not. A numerous choice of Asian women in the Internet is a find for people who appreciate the time.

You are free in your choice.  
**And so are we to make ours.**

If you live in America, communicate with an Asian mail order bride, but understand, that she is not a person you are looking for, it is not a problem to tell her and feel yourself comfortable.  
**On the other hand, we also have the rights _not_ to hang out with you, especially if you prove to be a racist douche.**

What is a chance that you meet her in your city or even country?  
**A question that is never answered.**

Good opportunity to see a lot of Asian brides. You will never meet so many girls at one place with characters you like.  
**So, is this a dating site or an anime character profile site?**

There are no frames – you can write and talk to as many mail order brides as you wish and no one will harry you up.  
**What?**

Finding a wife is a very important choice in a life, so you should be very careful!  
**I actually agree with this one.**

Here are some best Asian online dating web-sites:

ThaiLoveLinks: this site will help you find a girl from Thailand. More than 1.5 million users from the whole world prove that this site is worth trusting.

JapanCupid : you can guess that this site is for Japanese lovers. The biggest one with a successful story – it is a good chance to catch your dream wife!  
**"Catch" your dream wife? Again, we're human beings, not Pokemons, you fucking douche!**

CherryBlossoms.com: more than 40 years this mail order web-site connects singles from Asia and Europe or West. It unites all nationalities due to the easy service and huge diversity.  
**Yet apparently still relies on racist ideals.**

There are a lot of Asian mail order bride sites that suggests you a variety of girls from different countries. They are also searching for a perfect husband, so don’t stay aside and start right now! Online dating is like a new trend for people who want to be happy with a type of person that is the best for them, and no matter the country, no matter the nationality – nowadays there are no barriers on your way to happy family life!  
**No barriers? NO BARRIERS? AHAHAHAHA DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU? YOU GO AROUND SPREADING THIS STUPID RACIST SHIT THAT MAKES DATING HARD AS FUCK FOR US AND THEN SAY THERE ARE "NO BARRIERS" TO HAPPY FAMILY LIFE? OH GOD YOU'RE KILLING ME OVER HERE.**

**Yeah, let's just pretend this whole thing was written by a troll.**


End file.
